Seventy Times Seven Equals Infinity

So, let me tell you about this really strange, wonderful dream I had two nights ago…

I’d really like to start my story with that sentence, but the only way you’ll truly get the magnitude of this dream is if I back up and tell you a little more about the past two years of my life. Now, I actually wouldn’t mind diving into all the juicy details, but hopefully you’ll understand that in sharing intimate details of my life, I also inadvertently share intimate details of my loved ones, especially those closest to me. So out of respect for their privacy, I might be a bit vague at times, and I ask that you just go with it and not try to figure out the missing details. Despite some ambiguity, I pray you’ll see how this story might relate to your own life experiences, and that you’ll find something in it to encourage you.

Okay, so back to my story…

2011 was the start of a long journey for me, and it started off with circumstances that were devastating. I’m talking the kind of devastation that changes a person forever, and boy did it. (Here comes some of that ambiguity I was talking about. Bear with me a moment.) Betrayal changes the way you see the world around you, especially the people in it. But it isn’t just the people around you that you start to doubt. You doubt yourself, your judgment, and for me, I began to doubt things I had believed about God my entire life. I doubted that God loved me—that I’d ever even known him—and I started to think that there was no way I was actually going to heaven. I remember sitting outside many evenings crying out from the depths of my soul for God to show me somehow that He was here. Nothing crazy, no big miraculous sign or anything. I just needed one small thing, anything, that I knew could only be from Him. I prayed for a dream.

Well, time passed, and there was no dream. I went to a wonderful retreat that I loved, and where I grew closer to understanding my circumstances. I saw so many people experience that moment of intimacy with God that I was craving. I knew God was speaking to me, but it was through the words of others and the Bible, not the deeply intimate thing inside of me that I knew would be His presence.

So I came home from the retreat and faced my circumstances with two choices. I prayed and prayed for wisdom, and at the time I honestly felt that neither choice was sinful, and that I was spiritually free to choose either path. So let me get a little metaphoric on you for a moment. If you had to choose between a very steep, perilous, LONG climb up a mountain and another climb that appeared to be a shortcut around that very scary, perilous mountain, which would you choose? So here’s the thing. I just knew that if I took the scary path, I would eventually get to the top of the mountain, and at the top would be this gorgeous, thrilling experience that would surely be worth all the difficulty. And if I went around on the shortcut, I would be giving all of that up just so I could stay “safe.”

I chose to climb the mountain.

Now, this wasn’t just any mountain, and it threw some big time boulders at me. I lost friends over choosing this path, and I left a church that had grown to feel like my family. And as for my family, well, it hasn’t been easy living out this choice knowing many of them either don’t understand or don’t agree (though many of them do!). I have struggled to take each step up this mountain, and sometimes I have walked to a ledge and wished I could just throw myself off. Forgiveness is not something you do once and move on. It is a struggle every day, sometimes seventy times seven times a day. It is a choice of the will to force your mind not to dwell on hurt or anger. For me, it was seeing the enormous amount of sin that God has forgiven me for, and realizing I have no business holding a stone in my hand. And it was finally looking at others with a compassion that I know only comes from God, and being able to restore relationships that seem to befuddle even other Christians.

Lately, I came to see that I was nearing the top of my mountain. I have found a church where my family is loved and accepted, and where we can live out the call God has placed on us for serving others. My relationship with my husband and children has deepened so much, that I can look back on the circumstances I faced and honestly see them as blessings. I have spent the last eight months homeschooling my sweet boys, and despite those days when I have utterly failed in every way imaginable, God has blessed me with knowing I will look back on these days and give anything to get them back.

And yet, through all this growing I’ve done, God still has kept His distance in a way. I still felt like the invisible person in a crowd hollering at Jesus for attention, just hoping to catch a crumb of his love for me. I prayed over and over for a dream, just a simple little dream where I would know it was from God. Just a crumb.

I had finally come to the point where I just accepted that God didn’t do that kind of thing in our relationship. I was okay with that. I was content with trusting in Him, and I have been at peace for some time now, knowing His blessings and mercy have been poured out over my family. I haven’t even prayed for the dream in months.

So, let me tell you about this really strange, wonderful dream I had two nights ago…

Yes, finally. A dream. Not just any dream, mind you. THE DREAM. I have no idea why God waited so long, but maybe it’s because I have finally gotten to the point of letting go of the past where I am truly open to His presence. Or maybe he just likes making me wait on things. Who knows? I’ll do my best to describe it, but as in many things that involve God, words seem inadequate. But here goes.

As in most dreams, I was in a circumstance that makes no sense in the light of day unless you get all Joseph-like and try to interpret. There was warfare going on around me—bombs, planes, gunfire—you name it. I’m hiding behind something, and I look up just in time to see a large plane coming down right behind me. Nose dive into the ground. Huge explosion.

In my mind, I think, “I’m actually about to die.”

Then this wall of flame envelopes me from behind, but it doesn’t hurt. Immediately I get hit by this wave of something else. It’s not fire, but an intensely bright light that flickers like fire. And I remember thinking to myself, “I’m dead!!!” And I am so excited about it! It’s better than any excitement I’ve ever felt, like multiplying Christmas morning by a thousand! I’m dead!!! I am about to see Jesus, and the joy inside me is NOT EARTHLY. That is the only way I can think to describe it. All of this lasted for a few short seconds, and then I jerked awake and sat straight up in my bed.

I have thought a lot about this short dream the past two days, and I have taken many things from it. The main thing is the joy I felt. I want it back so badly, that I can truly understand now that to live is Christ and to die is gain. Not just gain, but the most abundant, overflowing joy imaginable. I’ve known almost my whole life how to explain in words that we are to seek first the Kingdom of God, and all that we need will be added to our lives. But I know what it feels like to desire to be with Him with all my heart. All I want now is to face every day with that joy inside me, and to share it as best I can with others.

So if you see me, and I seem a little excited, maybe even inappropriately so, just keep in mind it’s because I am so EXCITED about dying!!!

ECFL Summer Blog Tour

Love's Providence

Genre: Contemporary Romance

Collegiate athlete Lily Brennon has always been the piece that doesn't quite fit in the puzzle, especially in her fragmented family, and no amount of rule-following perfection seems to bring her any closer to the love and acceptance she desperately seeks. If not for Jackson Carter, her childhood best friend and the only boy she’s ever loved, she’s sure she would have run away years ago. But when Jackson loses his father and a future basketball career within months of each other, his faith is so shattered, he shuts out everyone, including Lily.

After months of heartache, Lily begins to piece together a life without Jackson, and while vacationing on a beautiful island off the Georgia coast, she begins a long-distance romance with Alex Walker, a police officer with a quick wit and a cocky grin. He revives her hope in love again, but their intense attraction and his devastating secret test Lily’s values, stretching them until they break. Through her struggles to remain true to her principles, an agonizing choice between Alex and Jackson, and a series of terrifying events that threaten all of them, Lily must endure losing everything she’s been grasping so tightly. Only then will she discover the depth of the love that already surrounds her.

Buy Paperback Here!      Get your Kindle version here!

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As part of the Edgy Christian Fiction Summer Blog Tour, I'd love to offer Love's Providence as a hot summer read. Check out the review below from Book Wormz!

"I started reading this delightful book thinking it was just the normal Christian Romance. Boy was I wrong! This little book packed a punch and pretty soon I was transported into an all out mystery/suspense with action and adventure. Wow. 
This is an excellent read for young adults and I'd even recommend it for young Christians who are in the throes of decision making as it relates to purity. This book shows us what can happen when we compromise our standards and change our minds to please those around us. In this book, our heroine Lily was hurt by the love of her life and meets another guy who seems great but her decision to start a relationship with him will change her life forever. 
The story line though predictable (most romance novels by nature are predictable) kept me coming back for more.  I kept trying to tell Lily what to do throughout the entire book. It really was an interesting read and worth the time. I give this one 4 stars."

~Joana James

Review: Every Bush is Burning

Review: Every Bush is Burning 

by Brandon Clements

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Summary:

Jack Bennett has a wife, two kids, the perfect job--and the perfect affair. When he is caught and it all comes crashing down, Jack is left with no one to turn to. No friends. No family, except his recovering drug addict of a sister.

On a Sunday morning drive, he sees a homeless man locked out of a church service, banging on the door. He stops and offers the guy a cup of coffee. He asks the man his name, and the guy says Yeshua.  As in, Jesus.

Jack's not stupid. This isn't the real Jesus. But with nowhere else to turn, Jack forms an unlikely friendship--one that will test his idea of truth, faith, love, and forgiveness. And Jack is completely unprepared for the real-life twists his story is going to take.

My thoughts:

From the outset, this book intrigued me because of the writing style; it was different, and the author pulled it off well most of the time. The story is written as if it’s a letter to a fellow patron of the coffee shop where Jack is penning his tale, a method I’ve never read in another novel. Though I’m sure it isn’t a new concept, it certainly isn’t common, which most people in the business will tell you to stay away from at all costs. Clements does a great job, with only a few sections that seem to go off on unrelated tangents. The only other criticism I have of the writing is that there are moments when Yeshua gets on a high horse and starts preaching, and it comes off as the author preaching a message he wants to get across rather than as a character truly interacting with another. Otherwise, the writing is crisp, and moves the plot along nicely.

The idea of Jesus himself appearing to Bennett was fascinating, and I had mixed feelings about it throughout.  But by the end of the novel, my concerns were resolved, and I could look back over the journey of reading this book and honestly say I enjoyed it thoroughly. I also loved that these characters were outside of the traditional characters you typically find in Christian fiction, without being controversial just for the sake of pushing the limits. I found all of these characters to be realistic in nearly all their interactions and dialogue. And I absolutely loved the ending, but I don’t want to spoil it for you.

Overall, I’d give Every Bush is Burning 4 stars, and I would definitely recommend it to others. I would also recommend it for readers 18 or older (personal taste) for the occasional language and sexual references.

Happy reading!

Review: The Well and the Mine, by Gin Philips

Review: The Well and the Mine, by Gin Phillips

Summary from Goodreads: 

"After she threw the baby in, nobody believed me for the longest time. But I kept hearing the splash." 

So begins The Well and the Mine, a magnificent debut novel set in 1930s Alabama. The place is Carbon Hill, a small coal-mining community, in the midst of the Depression. The Moore family, a loving brood of five, is better off than most, generous to their less fortunate neighbors. But darkness arrives at their doorstep when a mysterious woman throws a baby down the Moores' well, and the story slowly unfolds, through the alternating voices of nine-year-old Tess (who witnessed the crime); her older sister, Virgie; her brother, Jack; and her parents, Albert and Leta.

The mystery of the baby and why the Moores' well was the chosen location for its disposal is the catalyst of this intimate novel -- the splash whose ripples widen to reveal a community divided by race and class. The revelation of this shadowy side of life in Carbon Hill is leavened by the awakening conscience of a family that survives adversity with pluck and determination. In her first novel, Phillips has found beauty, depth, and the promise of salvation in one strong Southern clan.

My thoughts:

Gin Phillips does a beautiful job of painting a picture of Depression era Alabama. Through the viewpoints of one family in the coal mining town of Carbon Hill, she brings alive a time that many young people today can't imagine, much less relate to. The writing is superb; it often feels like you're sitting down with these people at their kitchen table while they tell you a fine story over a tall glass of sweet tea. I love that Phillips shows an accurate picture of Southern life--the heat, the love of family, the complicated social relationships--without a derogatory or melodramatic tone. It's very real.

If you're looking for a leisurely read that will take you back in time, this is your book. If you're looking for a conflict-driven page-turner, this book isn't for you. Although the mystery of the woman who dropped her baby in the well adds some suspense in the beginning, this is really a slow-paced, Sunday-afternoon-drive through the country. Kick back, relax, and enjoy the view.


This would also make a great read for those of you in high school who can pick your summer reading selections. There's enough history and symbolism in this book to please just about any lit teacher. 


Happy reading!

Review of Brave

4.5 stars

I took my two boys (9 & just shy of 4) to see Brave today, and it didn’t turn out as I thought it would. I thought I would like it okay, Brody (9) would love it, and Fox (almost 4) would like it for about 45 minutes and then want to go home. I nailed Fox, as usual, but I completely missed on Brody and myself.

As for me, I loved it, even teared up several times. Much of the drive within Merida for her freedom to be herself resonated with me. I would have loved to jump on horseback with her and go exploring through the Scottish forests. And when she and her mom must learn to “mend the bond torn by pride,” I got all misty-eyed. I could see so much of my own struggles in Merida (not with my mom, but in other areas of my life), and surprisingly in my often stressful relationship with Brody. So in a strange way, I related to Merida's mom as well.

Getting Brody to do anything—especially if it’s ME telling him to do it—is sure to be filled with drama and attempted negotiations. I love him so much it literally hurts, but I also have no idea how to communicate with him. I’m afraid that like Merida and her mom, pride may be our biggest enemy as well as he grows up. But hopefully we won’t have to turn to an ancient curse to cure our ills.

As for Brody, he seemed to enjoy the movie and spoke pretty highly of it on the way out to the car ( he loved the mischievous triplets), but as the day wore on, he mentioned several times that he thought it was just okay. Not great, not bad. Just okay. I asked him what he thought the point of the movie was, and he said something to the effect of Merida getting her mother to change. Interesting that he would pick up on THAT part of the movie and not the part where Merida herself goes through a change as well.

So my thoughts on the movie are mostly great. I think it actually presents a wonderful story that most teenage girls and their mothers can relate to, and the rebuilding of their understanding for one another is moving. My only criticism is that once again, “Hollywood” has given us a father that is dominated by his wife. Now granted, the father is loveable and engaged with his kids, but when it comes down to business, the Queen rules the home and the kingdom. Now I am all for women who are strong and independent; I happen to lean that way myself. However, a husband does not have to be less in order for the woman to be more. Why can’t they be partners? I would love to see more family movies that depict fathers as balanced—strong and compassionate at the same time. But maybe that doesn’t sell, or at least they don’t think will.

At any rate, I still loved the movie, and I would still recommend it. If you have very young children, the intense battles with bears and some suspenseful situations may be a bit much for them. Several times, Fox climbed into my lap and said he didn’t like the mean bear and wanted to go home. But he made it through, and in the end told his dad later in the day that he liked it. Who knows what goes on in the mind of an almost-four-year-old? 

So I rated the movie with 4.5 stars, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on it as well once you've seen it. God bless!

To Everything There Is A Season

…not just a catchy Beatles tune

Normally, this time of year is a welcome break from all the craziness that is middle school, a time to evaluate and grow, a time to send off a class of eighth graders into the wonderful (or frightening for some) world of high school. I cherish summer for the time it gives me with my own kids as well as the time it gives me for exploring some of my own pleasures (sleeping in, reading, sleeping in, writing, laying by the pool, napping, sleeping in, etc.)

But this week was different. I’ve known for some time that this season of my life was coming to a close, and that I would be leaving a family, not just a workplace. I expected to feel a bit sad, but I’ve been excited to begin a new season, a chapter in my story that I’ve been dreaming of for years. I’m staying at home with my sweet boys, and I’m beginning an exciting adventure in publishing novels on my own terms. It’s exhilarating, and a bit scary. But I’ve been looking forward to it for so long!

So when the time came to say goodbye, and I hugged each eighth grader as they passed by me on the stage, and I watched them struggle through tears to sing a beautiful song, I wondered if I was truly doing the right thing. I’ve been so blessed in this chapter of my story; maybe it’s not time to start a new one. After all, I had a job I loved, with coworkers who I admired and students I adored. I was content.

But one of the things God has taught me in the past year, which has been full of amazing lessons, is that I’m not here to figure out what His plans are for me. I’m not supposed to try to read the last page of my story and then orchestrate everything to make sure that’s how my story goes. Because my story is His story…

What I’m actually supposed to do is love Him with all my heart and love my neighbors more than I love myself. If I seek to honor Him daily, and live in the peace of knowing His forgiveness and mercy, and I love the people around me more than myself, I’ll write a life story that will bring glory to God. And what I’ll find in the end when I read the last page, is that it’s the story He had written for me all along.

So, what I’m taking from all of this, and what I hope you’ll take as well, is that it’s okay to be sad when closing a chapter of your own story, and it’s okay to wonder about what the next chapter will hold. But remember that the point of your story is not to just make it to the end, but to fill the pages with love, friends, faith, and memories that glorify your Father and show others His love.

To those of you who have been a part of my time at Midway Covenant Christian School—teachers, parents, friends, and especially students—I hope you know how much I love you, and how blessed I have felt to be a small part of your story. God bless!

Happy Street

What makes you really happy? I mean the kind of joy that makes you feel like you could do anything, say anything, maybe even talk to that guy in your class that’s so cute. I’m talking about that feeling inside of you that bubbles over and spreads a smile across your face you can’t control. Do you ever have days like that?

Some days I do, but mostly it comes in small moments. I was wondering the other day if I had those moments when I was a teenager. It was a long time ago in a galaxy far away, but I do still have fuzzy memories of middle school and high school. I don’t remember being an especially cheerful person. I think most of the time I was so convinced that I was ugly, dumb, worthless, and on my best days just invisible, that I struggled to find those moments when I was truly happy.

Then again, what made me happy back then would seem silly to the grown up me.  A smile from a crush, a friendly conversation with someone popular, a compliment from a teacher I looked up to. I think about the things that made me feel like I was worth something, and  honestly I still struggle with the same issues now…just maybe a grown up version. The crush I so desperately wanted to notice me (who actually did, but didn’t have the guts to say so back then—whole other lesson there) is now replaced by my husband, who I still want desperately to notice me and love me. The popular kids are now just people in my circle that I view as better than me for some reason—prettier, more confident, successful. And the teacher I looked up to is just replaced by my boss or my colleagues.

I often like to think I’ve outgrown my teenage insecurities, but the harsh truth is that you never just “outgrow” sin. And face it, desperately seeking our worth in anything other than our standing in Christ is sin. To face it, you have to make a conscious choice to change. And therein lies the real challenge. Can anyone really change? I mean the kind of deep change that alters how you see yourself, how you see others. What does that even look like?

Let me see if I can paint you a picture in five steps. This story was told by James MacDonald in a Bible study series called I Really Want to Change, So Help Me God, and it illustrates a great picture of the process of real change.

1) I walked down a street and fell in a hole. It took me a long time to get out. It wasn’t my fault.

2) I walked down the same street and fell in the same hole. It took me a long time to get out. Why did I do that?

3) I walked down the same street and fell in the same hole. I got out quickly. That was totally my fault.

4) I walked down the same street and saw the same hole. I walked around it.

5) I walked down a different street.

It can take a long time to move through steps 1 through 5, especially when we’re young and immature. I know I fell in so many “holes” when I was young, especially when it came to the things I valued in myself and others. The desire to be loved is so powerful it can pull you into a hole so fast you may not even recognize you’ve fallen.

So here’s my challenge to myself, and to you, if you’re willing. I’ve asked God to show me my holes, and help me see the different street. He is so faithful, and He’s already shown me both, and now my moment to moment task is making the CHOICE to take the different street. What “holes” do you have in your life that you keep falling into? Do you really want to change? Can you honestly pray for God to reveal to you a different street, and do you have the courage to take it, not just once, but moment by moment from this point forward?

**This is still such a new experience for me, this whole blogging thing. I’d love to hear back from any of you that can share your own thoughts.**